February 10, 2010

Not again...

Not again, not my little Harry.

First it was Clark, and his speech delay. The doctors appointments, the testing, the therapy sessions... and soon to come PRESCHOOL. And now Harry???
We never knew something was "wrong" with Clark. Sure he didn't talk, but he seemed fine to us. Playful, engaging, affectionate, he walked early, he crawled early, he danced along with us, he laughed with us, played games...if anything we thought he was a little advanced for his age, EXCEPT for the talking. Now, more than a year later, he seems more like other kids his age (albeit a little hyper), and you could never tell how behind he used to be... well, except for the talking.
But Harry, well that is another story.
Again, there is no talking. Not even babbling, or beginning sounds. Sometimes when he is crying he will make mamamama, or dadadadada sounds...but it is not talking, and I don't think it is intentional. Where Clark was energetic and playful, Harry is withdrawn and quiet... preferring to play alone. Even his play is so different, no role playing or interaction with us and/or his toys...he just finds his favorite toys and eats them, or bangs them on things. All he likes to do is watch tv, or wander around the house (or outside) eating things...off in his OWN LITTLE WORLD. He can jump, walk and run....and he does this funny little dance when he is really excited. He is getting better at climbing (although it is not something I encourage) and walking up and down the stairs. However, these things that he does, seems so far and few when compared to the things he doesn't do...compared to the vacant look in his eyes that I find him making all to often.

With Clark I never felt afraid, or scared, I just knew we had some work ahead for us, and sooner or later he would start talking. But with Harry, it is something more, it is a nagging feeling that something greater going on.

Yesterday at Clark's last speech therapy appointment (before he starts preschool later this month) everything I was worrying about was confirmed, with one single look.
Harry normally is asleep during Clark's sessions. Yesterday, by chance he was still up. It was the first time "the team" (as I like to call them-or Jill, Debbie, and Grace) has seen Harry in months. Debbie asked me what words Harry was saying...none yet I replied, then THE LOOK. After a few minutes of play, they asked me when Harry was turning 1... well he is actually 16 months, again THE LOOK. Then the questions, does he do this, does he do that...more looks, more questions. Then WHEN are you going to get him tested and start him in the Early Intervention program... "you know April, the sooner the better".

Ouch. I know, I really do, the sooner the better. I just didn't want to do it all again, not for my little Harry. I didn't want to see what was really going on, and to be fair it was hard to notice when Clark was never "normal" ( I HATE even typing that..."normal" what does that even mean...) I didn't want something to be wrong. I didn't want the pitying looks everyone gives you, or long talks that HE WILL BE FINE...I KNOW these things. I know I am always going to worry for my boys, and want the best for them. I know it is always going to be hard work. I know they will both be fine... I know that without a doubt. I just didn't want to do it, not again.


The Kaneyuki Tribe said...

April, I haven't gone through what you have but I just want you to know that my prayers are with you. It's a good thing that the therapist had noticed these things early. As I was was reading your post it made me tear up a little. Because being a Mom is already so tough, but when you hear something may be wrong with your child it takes such a toll on you. Tomorrow will be a better day for you. I must say though your little ( I love the rolls on babies, my baby is also a big boy for his age) , or not so little, Harry is so ADORABLE! He has the sweetest smile! :) Kristy

Aunt Jenny said...

Poor Mama. Being a Mom is so hard anyway, let alone when development isn't going along the way of the charts. Like you say, what is "normal" anyway. Hate to say it, but you wouldnt have been given this if you couldnt handle it. You must be an even more amazing woman than I already thought to be given children who will truly need your special gifts. They are so blessed to have you as their Momma. Hang in there and know that your heartache is truly appreciated.

Rachael Grotegut said...

Always know that God gave you Clark and Harry because he knew that you would be the best mom for them. And you totally are. I know that doesn't make it any easier. Just know I have gone through it too and I am always here to chat and give you unsolicited advice :).
One day when Clark and Harry are Hottie teenagers getting all the girls and borrowing the car. You'll think back on the delays and it will be nothing but an achievement. I know in just 3 short years Gavin has conquered so much. Just think about them all in 10-15 years. Awesome!
Love you guys!