Wordless Wednesday-Red Doors

August 27, 2001

Gorgeous red doors we found on a Catholic church in Harrisonburg, VA.

On the street outside.

So pretty.  

Someday I'm going to have red doors like that.

When I buy my castle.

 In Scotland.

Sports???

The other day Clark had a doctor appointment, to get some vaccinations for school.  

This is a real conversation that happend between Clark and the doctor.

Dr:  Do you like to play sports?

Clark:  Yes

Dr:  What do you like to play?

Clark:  Star Wars.

Dr:  Oh really. (giggle) Who do you play with?

Clark:  With my light saber.

Dr:  (Just laghing now, and I'm sure wonering what kind of parents we are).

Looks like we need to play ball a little more often.

Watch this. Now.

So moving.

I really feel like I can identify with this fathers message.

Word for word.

This may be his story, about his daughter... 

but in a way it is my story too, 

and every one who has an Autistic child.

I find it so perplexing, with how common it is these days... that it still feels so isolating.
Maybe because each child on the spectrum is so different, every parent feels like they have it harder.
I don't know.
I sometimes feel so alone in the struggle, like no one understands how hard it is, for me... and especially for Harry.  BUT there are so many parents (just like Lou in the video above) who feel the exact same way.  It is comforting to know I am not alone, not that I ever really thought I was, but it is nice to know there are other people out there who feel the way I do.
It doesn't make the day to day things easier, but it helps.

I am thankful for the tremendous family support I have, and understanding from my friends.

 .

Wordless Wednesday-Big Scary Spider

August 7, 2011

Look what we found in our backyard.

Needless to say, Jason had a slight panic attack.

I kinda is pretty, you know... for a spider.

I am hoping this encourages Jason to do the yard work more often.

I don't know what kind it is, but Jason was sure it was going to kill us all in our sleep.

Either way.  It's dead.  And Jason has sprayed the house 3 times since.

Now, if I could get rid of all the ants we have.

Different, but not less.

The past couple weeks I have been reading the book, Thinking In Pictures by Temple Grandin.  It is probably one of the most fascinating and insightful books I have ever read.  Every night when I would read another passage, I would feel as if my eyes were opened a little more.  Even though much of the information wasn't new to me, the way she explained it, made it easier for me to take in, and apply it in my life... and in Harry's life.  I can not express how much reading this book had changed my view, on a lot of things.  This book opened my eyes, to all of the possibles out there (and also not just for Harry or others with Autism, but certainly more so)... not that I didn't know they were there before, but sometimes when you are down in the trenches, it is hard to see the silver lining.
I admire Ms. Grandin, and her passion.  The book explains how she thinks, and how other individuals with Autism may or may not think.  It also documents how the unique way she thinks propelled her career, and allowed her to see things from another view, a cow's eye view.
Since last summer I have had her HBO movie on my dvr.  I have stopped and started it many many times.  Most of the time to overwhelmed by how close it hit to home to finish it.  Today I finally finished it, and I am so glad I did (I am also just as glad I read the book before watched it).  I thought it was nothing short of brilliant.  It showed perfectly the way she thinks, and how much she fought to be heard, and understood.  Going through her many symbolic doors, to a new world and new challenges.  It is very inspiring, not just for those with Autism, but us "normal" folk as well.

I have spend the better part of this last year coming to terms with Harry's Autism diagnosis.  Then, even when I thought I came to terms, and I embraced it, and I decided to fight for and help Harry, I still had to come to terms with the fact that he may never be able to express the genius that is hidden inside of him.  He may never speak, or be able to explain to me how he sees things, or what his hidden passions will be.  He may never get past his sensory issues enough to be a part of everyday life, school, colleges, relationships.  This time next year Harry could be talking in sentences, asking me for things, laughing at jokes, singing songs... or he could be exactly the same.  Seeking comfort in his blankets, and being alone, and hardly ever participating with the family.  This has been something that I have really struggled with.  I can get over the little every day things, if I know where we are going to end up, but it is so hard not knowing.  I have to believe it will be something more, something great...even something "normal".  And just as much as I have to believe that, I think I also need to be okay with the fact that he may not be those things.  He may always live with us, or maybe a group home.  He may never go to college, or even a main stream school, he may never serve a mission.  We don't know.  And I think now I am okay with that.  It took awhile to get there, and some days are better than others, but we are all okay with it now.

I am really so excited for this next year.  It is going to be scary, stressful, nerve racking, and hard for all of us, BUT it also holds so much hope.  I'm excited to see how Harry is going to do it school.  I am excited to start his ABA therapy (just as soon as I find someone, I am thinking October).  I am praying for positive change, and a better understanding of my little guy.  I am excited to learn new ways to teach and help him (and hopefully more energy to do so after I have the baby).  I feel like I understand now, more than I did before, how important it is to introduce my children to as many opportunities as possible. Different ways to look at the world around them.  It seems like such a simple concept, and it was something I already knew, but I feel more ready and able to do it. (It is so hard to explain).  I pray, whole-heartedly, that I can be the Mother that my children need, meet their different needs.

So in conclusion, read the book.  Whether you know someone who is Autistic or not, whether you think you know all about it or not... I think it will change the way you see things.

Sorry Mom, Sorry.

So Clark has this new thing that he does, all the time, that is really cute... 

and also really annoying.  

He apologizes, for everything... everything.
You must think I am crazy for saying that is annoying, but just you listen and decide for yourself.

I can't even look cross eyed at him without him apologizing profusely at me.

"Sorry Mom, sorry."  In this whiny manipulating voice. "Be happy Mom, I'm sorry, BE HAPPY."

And the way he says it, with this overly apologetic tone, so dramatic... I have no idea where he learned how to act like that.  Also, I have no idea where this "be happy" thing came from.  But I have to be happy and smiling all the time.  If not, then we start the "I'm sorry and be happy" speech all over again.

It makes me feel like such a monster.
Like I am so mean to him all the time,
and he feels the need to just constantly walk around saying he is sorry. 

The other day he spilled a drink in the car.  I didn't say anything. I wasn't even mad.  I didn't even sigh in exasperation.  I just said oh well.  And he went on and on, "I'm sorry Mom, be happy, I'm sorry Mom, be happy".  Until I lost it, and I yelled, with the huge fake smile on my face, "I am happy, now shut up".

Nice one Mom.  Geez.  I just can't win.  I wasn't even mad...

This new phase makes disciplining him so hard.  Because instead of listening to me, he is so concerned that I am smiling and happy, that I can't even be stern or lecture him about something.  

I really don't know where any of this came from, or why it started.  I feel like I am happy a lot.  I am way lenient with him, and I hardly discipline him like I should.  We are a loud family, so I do yell probably more than I should, but most of the time it is not out of anger... I am just trying to be heard over all the noise.
I have been trying to check myself more lately, so I guess that is good, I try to not get as frustrated, and be calmer.  I just hate the feeling that I am being manipulated by a 4 year old.

Oy.  I'm just hoping this phase passes quickly.  I am tired of trying to reassure him that I am happy all the time.  And I really wish I could just give him a time out with it becoming such a huge production. 

Harry vs. The Babysitters

Apparently we can not leave Harry with a baby sitter any more.  

He used to be so good when we would drop him off at places, 

mostly cause we only use our friends and people the boys are comfortable with.  

However, the last couple of times we took Harry to a babysitter, he would scream the whole time.  When I went to Harry Potter a few weeks ago he spent the entire time by my friends door, screaming and banging his head on the floor.  I mostly thought he didn't like where we were taking him.  Maybe there were too many kids, or some strange thing was setting him off.  But then other day I dropped him off at my girl friends house, someone he likes a lot and sees multiple times a week, and he still cried and yelled the whole time.  He has never done that before at their house, not so much fun for them.

There is really nothing you can do when Harry decides he doesn't like something, nothing at all.  Sometimes you can bribe him with food or a change of scene, but most of the time you just have to ride the tantrum out.  And the tantrums are never pretty.  There is screaming and wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

It can be scary, and I have the bruises to prove it.

I wonder what the change has been.  

It started sometime this summer, he never had issues with sitters before. 

I wonder.... maybe he is just missing me!  Do you think???  

Is it possible that he actually likes me??  

You would think, and I hope, that he would acknowledge that he likes me when I am actually around, rather than giving me a cold shoulder all the time.  

I guess he would just rather wait, and torture the kind people who watch him, to show me his love.

Oh well.  

We don't go out that much anyway, and soon even less than we already do when the little baby comes.

 Maybe we can look for a new sitter that will come to the house, 

and maybe that will help him not be so angry when we leave.  

But for know I will just be happy to know that he likes me, even if it's just a little.

Happy Birthday to ME!

A couple years ago I made a Bucket List.  Since it was my birthday a few days ago I decided to re-visit that list, see how far I've come, change what I wanted, add some new ones.  

There is no better time than on your birthday to re-evaluate where you have been, 
and where you are headed.

Here is the old one, June 2009:

"Travel Europe...Scotland, Germany, Italy, England.

Sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir...like join it, you know.

Learn to knit, and make my family matching hats and scarves.

Run a marathon.  I would like my first one to be the Honolulu Marathon, but I am not that picky.  I just want to be a runner.

Write a book.

Write another book, that doesn't suck.

Make quilts, I want to be a quilter.

Swim with the sharks. 

Own a home...our own home.

Learn to speak another language...Spanish, French, I am not to sure yet?

Visit and attend as many Temples as possible, all over the world (right now I have 6 different ones under my belt, in three different states).

Go sky diving.

Get a Masters Degree in anything.

Go to Africa.

Be debt free, and financially secure.

Have a big family...maybe 4 or 5 kids.  (Ahh, did I just say that out loud!?)

Be a guest judge on the Iron Chef America.

Road Trip across America."

Most of them are still the same.  Some of them I have no interest in anymore.  

Some I accomplished!!!
 I have become a quilter, I think.  I am not super good, but practice makes perfect.  I have made 3 quilts so far.  And I am even in a quilting club that meets once a month.  It is something I really enjoy, and when I have time, I love to see a project to come together.   Right now I am working on my first real quilt, that has a pattern, not just squares, and I'm starting a block of the month project next month.  So goal accomplished, I say :)
I don't really care about swimming with the sharks or learning a new language anymore.  It would be cool, but there is other things I would rather spend my time on.  
Also, we did kinda travel across America last summer, we hit 19 states!
I'm going to take a lot of the travel goals off, cause really I just want to travel as much as possible, I don't care where.  We also saw a lot a temples on our way across country, but I would like to keep that goal forever.  We are no where closer to being debt free, but I did finally make a new plane, a 3 year plan, with Jason last week.  And we are working on the big family thing ;)  Our newest addition will be here in about 8 weeks!

Here is my new one, July 2011:

Travel Europe...Scotland, Italy, France, Greece.

Join the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Learn to knit and crochet.

Run a marathon, or even a half marathon.

Write a book, that doesn't suck.  

Visit and attend as many temples as possible, all over the world.

Get a Masters Degree.

Be debt free!

Be a published photographer, I don't care where, but my blog doesn't count :)

Be a guest judge on Iron Chef America.
Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, in NYC.
Go sky diving.
Be a size 10. (Weight loss goals are going to consume my next year.)
Read more, 75 books by my next birthday.
I would like to have my own business.  Some way to make my own money, something creative.  It doesn't have to be big, just something I can do on the side of my family life.

There you go, my new bucket list.  A lot to work on. 

It is so weird to me to be 31.  It seems so old, but I don't feel any different.  

I had such a nice birthday.  Jason surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of roses, and some fun gift cards.  My awesome friends came over to help me paint the baby's room, and we had a pizza party.  And for a big surprise, Jason got me a new phone!  I wasn't expecting any other gifts since he gave me the flowers in the morning. But after he got home from work he had Clark give it to me.  Clark was so sweet, he was hiding it behind his back and said, "Mommy, I have a prize for you" all bashful and quiet like.  I was half asleep on the couch and I thought he was just going to give me a toy, or a picture he drew.  Then he threw my new phone at me, and laughed.  It was funny, and I was confused, and so surprised.

Jay is always so thoughtful when it comes to holidays and gifts, I am pretty lucky.  
It may take him 4 weeks to mow the lawn, that has grown past our ankles.  And his half of the bedroom may look like he is competing to be the next subject on an episode of Hoarders.  And he never, EVER, listens to me.  

BUT he is thoughtful, and kind, and he really always tries to spoil me... even when we are supposed to be saving money.  He is a good man, and a good Dad, and I am happy.

We also had a nice little dinner with some friends.  Fajitas and guacamole!  My friend Trisha surprised me, and made me favorite cake in the world, Granny's Apple Cake!   She even called my Mom to get the recipe. (She spoils me to no end, and I am thankful to have such a sweet friend.)  The kids played in the pool outside, and we just enjoyed each others company.  Simple, laid back, and fun.  

The only thing missing was my sisters, and  family other members.  

A great birthday!

Last night as I was falling asleep,
 I was thinking that next year on my birthday I will have 3 kids.

Crazy.

Baby Shower!

Last weekend my bestie Trisha (and her sister), threw me a Baby Shower!  

It was so unbelieveably sweet, girlie, pretty, and fun.

Me and Trisha

Super cute diaper cake and decorations.

They had made a little clothesline, and pinned baby clothes on it, that I got to take home!

Trisha always makes tasty food, but these cupcakes were one of her best!

Salted carmel, chocolate cupcakes, with little Heath Bar candies on top... to die for.

After I ate all the guacamole, and we played some fun games, I opened presents.

 Look! A cool video monitor, so I can watch the babe while she sleeps.

I got a lot of cute clothes, a quilt from my friends in my Quilting Club, and some very useful items.

It was so fun, and I am so thankful for my friends.

I really never thought I would have another baby shower (after Clark's), so it was a nice surprise.

 I felt so spoiled.  

And I am really overwhelmed with graditude for my friends.

The End of an Era

Well, it's over.  

This past weekend Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 came out, the last Harry Potter movie.  The end of an era.  I've spent the last decade waiting for some sort of Harry Potter thing to come out, whether it was the books or the movies... I was always anxiously waiting.  

It is so sad to say goodbye.

You may notice that this picture is very old.  It is from when the 6th movie came out.  Someone -named Jason the Meany- was so so late coming back from a work trip that he missed dressing up in our matching Deathly Hallows shirts and waiting in line with me :(  I'm still kinda sad about it.  He did make right in the knick of time, so I didn't have to watch any of the movie alone (that would've been a disaster), but I'm still kinda sad we didn't take the traditional shirt picture.  

(Maybe we will take a pretend one later...)

Wearing our shirts for "Harry Potter Night" (take 2).  Do you know it took me 6 movies before I could convince Jay to wear a matching shirt with me... he is such a good sport.

The movie was amazing, brilliant, and everything I ever hoped it would be...except a little short (I would've like an extra 20-30 minutes to maybe give the other characters a chance to say good bye, proper death scenes, and so on).  It followed the book so well, much better than some of the other movies.  Even though I knew everything that was going to happen I was overcome with the emotion and excitement of the ride.  This last week I was re-watching (for probably the 500th time) the first movie with Clark.  I was amazed at how far the three actors have come (Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint), from cute little 11 years olds, raw with talent and so new, to these amazing young adults.  During the movie I could hear other audience members crying and getting caught up in the story, the last time I remember that happening during a movie was when the last Lord of the Rings came out.

I left the theater feeling a little hollow.  Sad because it was over.  Sad because it was such a heavy movie.  And sad because I don't know how I am ever going to find something else that I love as much as Harry Potter.  I'm feeling rather forced to grow up and move on...  

I went through my pictures to try and find an harry Potter related ones.  You would be surprised at how many I don't have.  Why didn't I take more pictured over the years????

Here are my babies, being forced to be little Potters.  Clark on the left, and Harry on the right with his own little wand.  I am so glad that I have my boys (and my sweet little girl on the way) to share the books with again.  I can't wait for the day Clark is ready to start reading the books!  

Then Harry.  Then the new babe.  

After that I'm sure the panic will set in again, 

and I will have to find some other way to keep Harry Potter alive in my life.  

(Do I sound properly crazy yet???)

Here is Auntie Laura and Clark the night the last book came out, July 21, 2007.  

Since we went to the midnight release party I like to think that it actually came out on my birthday.  

That night hanging around the book store was my birthday party, and oh so much fun.

I was happy I could share it with my sister and my baby boy.  

Here is the only picture I took of that night, with me in it.

(Why don't I take more pictures????)

I hate that it is blurry, but it is all we got.

Jason has gone to almost all the movies with me on opening night, the older we got and more kids we had we stopped going to the midnight showing, but we still made it to opening night every time.  I remember some summers making all my friends go with me over and over again.  I remember staying up well past my bedtime reading my books, over and over again.  I remember how excited I was when my Grandpa decided to read the books, and then he dressed up for Harry Potter for Halloween :)

Isn't he the best!

So many fun memories over the years. 

It has been an amazing ride.  I'm sad to say goodbye. 

Potty Training For The Win!

We did it!!!

I don't want to get too cocky, or I have a feeling this thing I going to turn around and bite me in the butt, but I really think we have gotten over the worst of it.  I think it is safe to say, that for the most part, 

Clark is POTTY TRAINED!!!

We had a few really bad days.  We had to completely take him off of his video games, which he was really sad about.  And for awhile there I was so ready to give up and try again next year, I just didn't think he was getting it.  Then one day it clicked, and he went, all by himself actually.  In fact most of the time he would rather go alone, without telling me.  I think he hated me nagging him all the time, and it was embarrassing for him.  We have been accident free for 5 days now!!!  

He acts like such a big boy now.  Every time I see him go to the bathroom I get so proud of him.  I don't even have to fake the excitement and joy that I show during the "Hooray You Went Potty Dance" that we do every time he is done. 

 We still keep him in pull-ups at night, only because me (and a couple of my brothers or sisters) were long time bed wetters, and I am 7 months pregnant, I don't want to climb to the top bunk and change the sheets everyday.  If he can wake up dry for a few weeks in a row, then I will stop putting him in pull-ups, but for now it works.  

And I couldn't be happier.

Here Clark is doing one of his new Star Wars puzzles. 

He would get a prize every time he went pooh in the potty.  That was the biggest hurdle for us.  He was really afraid and nervous to go.  Most of the literature I read, to prepared myself for training him, said not to bribe him with toys or treats to make him go.  I could give him a prize after, but I wasn't to say "If you go, you get this...".  Well, let me tell you.  That is what actually worked.  He wanted his army guys and Star Wars puzzle really really bad, so he finally went pooh (NOT in his underwear).  Shame, disappointment and bribery... that is what finally worked for us.  I tried days and days of positive reinforcement (and trying not to get upset when he peed on the floor for the 30th time), he had nothing to work for if I was already happy. 

Regardless of the how or why, we did it.  And I am so very proud of my big boy!

Mom's First Haircut

I cut Clark's hair for the first time!

I got bored the other day, and decided I was tired of looking at Clark's unmanageable fluff and frizz,  so I gave him a haircut.  He sat really well, and it was much easier than I thought.  I didn't really have a plan going into it... I just cut.  I love his fake smiles, and the fact that he can hardly ever keep his eyes open in a picture.

Here is the the after picture :)

It is a little uneven  in the back, but barely noticeable since his hair has so much body and curl.

Here is a little better picture after it had dried some.

I like his hair shorter here, since it is not as curly as it was in Hawaii.

He is such a cutie.