Just the way I like you.

We got the diagnosis.
Harry is Autistic.
Even though we suspected it, it is still a shock, a shock to my very core, to hear the words to come from somebody elses mouth.  A confirmation of my fears and worrying.

Yesterday he had yet another evaluation, this time from a Physcholgist.  She comfirmed what I already suspected for months, that he was Autistc.  She did say she wasn't ready to make an exact diagnosis as to where he was on the spectrum, but he was there....floating around somewhere. (Sad face.)  She was the first person that ever said the words OUT LOUD.  I hate her a little, why couldn't she just let me be in denial a little bit longer.  

We talked about switching his diet.  We talked about a couple of new programs we are going to enroll him in.  We talked about all the things she would've done, but can't now because WE ARE MOVING.  One good/great thing, she is signing us up with a group that will ensure we have all the resources we need in our new area, and if they don't have the programs/resources we need, they will find a better place for us to live (amazing).

Yesterday I was sad.  I cried.  I wallowed.  I complained.  I tried to think of when things went wrong, what I did and didn't do to get to this point.  It was bad.  But, after a long talk with my Dad I feel MUCH better.  (Thanks Papa, your phone call was inspired, and you said exactly all the things I needed to hear.)  I had my moment to mourn all the things I thought I wanted for Harry, and came to realize all the things he still could have, and MORE actually.  I took the afternoon to challenge my thinking, on what is normal...  What is normal anyway?  Who is to say my normal is any better or worse than yours?  I like my normal, I love it.  I gave myself one day, but I am done now.  I don't want to feel like that again, the doom and hopelessness, it is futile and TOTALLY unnecessary.

I know Harry is going to be okay, more than okay.  We all are.  I KNOW IT!   I have seen first hand how early intervention can work miracles, just look at my nephew Gavin, he is a little genius, and such a delight to be around.  Harry has a Speech Therapist, a Special Education therapist, and an Occupational Therapist.  We have our bases covered.  I am not afraid anymore, I am not sad.  I am ready to be put to work, to accept and conquer this new challenge.

Already in the past month, since Clark has been in school, Harry has made some improvements.  He is thriving on the one on one time.  He shows his happiness better, and comes out of his shell more (instead of always vegging out).  He does this cute little thing where he hops and skips when he is excited.  For instance, when we walk in the mall he will be so excited he will take a couple steps, then hop a couple steps (I think it is adorable), even at home when he is happy he will hop across the living room.  He smiles more readily at me and I don't have to work so hard for it.  Also, I swear last night when he was hurt and crying he said maaaa, not the normal repetitive mamamamamamama that he does for hours, monotone, and for no reason, but maaa at me, beacause he was sad and hurt, and he wanted me.  Progress, slow but steady, progress.

I think the only thing I still hate about it, the diagnosis, is the label.  I hate labels.  Even in high school I never want to be pinned down as anything.  I tried my whole life not be what anyone expected, even to this day I am still a little rebellious (a boring type of rebellious, but still).  I didn't want Harry to be labeled as anything, especially something that is still looked down upon by some poeple.  I know Autism is more main stream these says, but there are still some people -people I know- that will look down on him because of it.  And selfishly I didn't want the label either, the Mom of that Autistic kid.  I know I am horrible for even thinking about it, but yes it did cross my mind.  But I am OVER it, label me all you want... I am a Mom, a sister, daughter, wife.  I am chubby, happy, sassy, hopeful, nerdy (oh my, am I ever so nerdy).  I am a million things everyday, and yes I am the Mom of that Autistic kid, that adorable little Harry.  And I am fine with that, MORE than fine.  I feel blessed because of it, and privileged that he is my Son.  I thank God for him, and I wouldn't want it any other way, honestly.  I love him just the way he is, wholeheartedly 100%.